goodbye '09, hello '10

goodbye 2009, year of failures and success.
& welcome 2010! hopefully you're a new year with more success outbalancing failure.

following the leader

i might have mentioned this on an earlier post but i have to repeat it so the meaning can be forever etched into my brain.

i realized that im the type of person who would follow others. its like im always using training wheels on the daily route i call my life and that bothers me. i can never cook up an original idea and elaborate on it unless i picked the idea from another person. & that is basically called plagiarizing.

i also noticed that my brain's rotting away. these days i've received more brain farts then ever and i can never seem to find that word thats on the tip of my tongue. and when i do remember that word, it's like five minutes later.

& PROCRASTINATION. because of that unwelcoming trait that seems to be dominating over my body lately, i find myself behind on outlining history chapters and a mountain of hagwon homework packets to finish before saturday hits. which is in a day. oh my my my, fml. of course i effing deserve it, it was a stupid decision that i decided to make, but its still a decision nevertheless. sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh.

on the bright side, i've been writing nonstop today. i've written over five chapters for over three different fictions, which is a good improvement because i've been suffering writer's block lately.

it's christmas eve everyone. & im obliged to go to mass (or service for you christians) and another mass tomorrow. & yes yes, im a catholic. whoopeeedoooo.

have a merry one.

the end to a beautiful thing

미남이시네요 / you're beautiful --- i will forever remember and love this drama. & the actors and actresses who made the whole journey memorable and lovely. <3

chapped lips

tomorrow is turkey day! gobble gobble gobble. and then it's black friday, a day filled with 50%+ discounts and loads of shopping. i'm actually quite excited for the outcome of this week, yayayaaaa~

i feel like i was born into the wrong family because i seem to be the only one who enjoys knitting and eating fried corn with eggs. delicious!

this posts sound so damn cheerful.

the one flaw

boys will always and forever be stupidly blind.

i was watching this one episode of fresh prince of bel air when queen latifah guest starred on the show. the character she played as was will's dream girl because she had the same tastes as his in music, movies, and style, but will didn't like her that way because of her physical figure. now queen latifah liked will more than in the just friends category, but he didn't like her because she was big in size.

that got me thinking and i came to my conclusion --- boys will always and forever be stupidly blind. they stumble upon a girl who is indeed perfect for them, they both share the same interests and such, but the boy lets the chance of a great relationship slip through his fingers just because of one flaw. that one flaw was all they thought about when they just had to reject the girl, just because she was either fat or book smart or ugly.

boys will always and forever be stupidly blind.

the class of lying children

life throws us curve balls and its up to us whether we dodge it or see it and do nothing about it. i was thrown a curve ball today, but i failed to recognize it and didnt do anything. it hit me pretty hard too and it wasnt until later when i thought about the situation that i should have done something about it.

regrets regrets regrets. we hate them but we need them to learn from our mistakes.

life is a facade

until you decide to show the world who you really are.

there's this person who never ceases to amaze me. at school she is known as one of the popular girls but what she writes on her blog exemplifies who she truly is.

she obviously isn't living in a facade.

just go.

just the thought of letting go makes us hold on tighter. even though we don't want to, it's always the best choice to move ahead, not dwell in the past. best choice, but not always the right choice.

get on with your life

i'm pretty sure that it's time for me to move on from this useless attraction that i won't get anything out of, just unwanted pain and misery. i hate it how we girls are more dependent, we need more time to move on, and yet, when we think that we've moved on, we're just lying to our selves to hid the plain truth. we shower ourselves with excuses, excuses, excuses --- and those excuses aren't excuses anymore when we see the guy of the moment in the hands of another girl. we smile and cower behind a mask, create a facade to fool others and yet

we will never fool ourselves.

screw you cp

these days, i feel like i'm living the same old, the same old. it's pissing me off too because i know what i'm gonna do in a few hours, so there's no point in trying to think into the future. walk home, procrastinate, eat, procrastinate more, start homework, BS homework, procrastinate, sleep. and the cycle repeats.

oh and the studying for college, sat, psat, and act pisses me off. i've got enough time ahead of me to prepare but the typical asian parents are nagging to start now. also, doing a megaload of community service, joining diverse clubs, and spreading what i can do out there is leaving a mark in my sleep. starting all of this college prep and keeping up with all of this college prep will and is going to kill me. and my social life.

goodbye social life.

endless summer

if i had my say in life, i'd choose to feel less regretful. to feel no sudden silence in a one second time elapse, where your head and soul both join forces to scream at your stupid body and to just go with the impulse. then there would be no frustrated thoughts from looks at the mirror, no empty sighs from the peek at dropping grades, and no sudden mixtures of feelings that revolved around 'i should/shouldn't have done that.' it really wastes the next few minutes while you're dwelling in the past because of regret.

if i had a say in life.

ambulance for a superstar

that song keeps me tapping my fingers to the beat.

'keep moving forward' we all have the choice of doing that but most of us decide to sit and dwell on the past when the past happened a few minutes ago. that past scene keeps on replaying like a broken record in our brains when the easiest thing to do is to keep moving forward. but we don't. we choose not to, and yet, we find it hard to keep moving forward because we're so caught up in the whirlwind of the past. our hearts keep on screaming 'move on, it's the past now', but our minds overrides the heart when they keep on flashing the past into our bodies, where we can feel it from the bottom of our toes to the tips of our noses.

it's all i can do to keep moving forward.

dressed to impress

nowadays, people are dressing in their best or what they think is their best. especially at school. i see these freshmen girls with their overly hairsprayed hair, their caked on BB cream, and their clothes which scream out 'NOTICE ME'. i see these freshmen boys with their bright oversized shirts, their baggy pants, and their always seemingly new shoes.

but really, who do is there to impress?

random strangers? or your friends who'll just gush about it and never speak about it again? or that crush of yours you try so hard that you'd pass their mind for at least a second with your clothes?

no really. who is there to impress?

spoiled peaches

i wish that today wasn't so consumed with the thoughts of physical appearance. i wish that we could do whatever shit we wanted to do and be happy about it. i wish that you could go up to the guy that you like and tell him straight on that you've liked him for the past four months. i wish that college wasn't the main subject once you reached high school. and i wish that i could live each day and not think about yesterday because i'd start regretting, thinking if i made the right choice.

"there's a little truth behind every just kidding, there's a little curiosity behind every just wondering, there's a little knowledge behind every i don't know, and a little emotion in every i don't care"

tell yourself

mocha muffins are delicious! the one's from assi market located in ktown are a bit heavier than the usual mocha roll cakes, but it gives the taste buds a zing. SO! i decided to watch harry potter by myself which saved a lot of hassle rather than going with your friends. the movie met my expectations but it could have been better, bcus they skipped a lot of big scenes from the book. -0- oh well. the seventh movies must be the icing on the cake bcus well, they're the last movies for the hp series! hopefully hopefully they go all out.

urghh heading to the beach twice in two weeks is a tiring job but worth it! omfg, we sculpted a mermaid for my friend and it went from mermaid to pregnant mermaid with no boobs LOL. what a uber fun day! the car ride to the beach was a memory itself, singing loudly to neighboring cars and playing games. (= & this summer isn't that hot compared to '08.

i need to start studying for school or my brain will fry up when school starts from non-active educational summer. O:

i think that's cool

reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally cool.

for a moment i thought that the hand was flipping people off but i realized it's a rock on sign. how cool.

school's over

And summer school starts. Oh wow, there's still a way for education to dominate our lives even when vacation begins. Anyways. Playing at graduation yesterday made me think about how time flies. I'm entering into another year of high school and a step closer to entering college. As the seniors walked across the stage to receive their diplomas, it occurred to me that there's still three years of high school left for me and how that three years can fly past too quickly. And that, ladies and gentlemen, makes me feel ... weird.

Think outside the box

These days, I've noticed that original ideas and creativity are coming to a slow stop. Why? Maybe it's because all the creative ideas are already used and there's no new ideas to elaborate from. I think that the adults should take a step back and just relax for a bit. Maybe let the youngins take the reins and be in control for once, let's see how that works out. Because these days, I've noticed many intricate designs coming from the youngins themselves. When I saw the yearbook for my school, I was astonished. And speechless. Too bad it's $100 now, I can't go ask my parents for the money just for a glossy book. Anyways, back to the topic. Maybe the world should just stop coping and think together for a more artful place to live.

He who hesitates is lost.

I really don't think that I can live life fully. Something's always there to hold me back, like this invisible hand is blocking my way of living life. It's been pmo lately, the way I try to do stuff but I can't because I feel like I can't. Yknow that feeling? The main conflict is maybe I can't trust; anyone or anything.

And I'm 1000% sure that this invisible hand will cause me a shitload of problems later in the future. And there always those what-if's! What if this happens, or what if ...? Just this afternoon, I found out that I'm a very hypocritical person; a part of me wanting attention so much yet I can't do shit for it. Like what? It actually paused me in my community service and made me think. Like, I really don't have a clue on what to do with my life.

SCREW YOU INVISIBLE HAND.

---

One of my greatest fears --- Aging.

During my community service, I was working in a convalescent home. And it scared the shit out of me while I was working around these aged women and men. All spending their days either on a bed or confined to a wheelchair. I thought, is this me in 50 years? At first, working in a convalescent home seemed to be appealing, helping out these residents when reality bitchslapped me. I really do not want to see myself age.

dear darla

i hate your stinking guts. you are the scum between my toes. you make me vomit.
love alfalfa.

what a cutie.

ashfdklashfkjdshsdf
stupid responsibilities.

STFU!

---save trees for us.

the boyfriend list.

1. ____________.
2. jang geun suk.
3. top from big bang.

oh the wonderful, vain fantasies of a teenage girl.

---

i've a play date next saturday. hmm, and my concert's next friday. well, isn't my schedule packed from dress rehearsals, the concert, and the actual play date. well. if you look at it, it's not really packed. whatever.

lately, i've found out that i've been easily persuaded. oh shit! that isn't good. will i be like this 30 years from now? hopefully not. maybe i'll speak for myself. soon.

summer's in the air. yeeeeeee ---

immature.

am i really immature? i don't think so. well, thats my own opinion. sometimes i wish that i can watch myself for a whole day. in someone else's point of view, i'd want to watch myself react to different aspects, yell obscenities under my breath, and just how i live through the day. if i could get to do that, maybe i'll get a clearer thought of myself. see my true self? hopefully, intentionally.



the many phases of cathleen.

obsessive complusive disorder

also know as OCD. mine's kicking in right now. the urge to perfect every little detail is overcoming my senses. but i don't give a damn whether i might go crazy trying to resist the benefits of OCD.

yeah that's sarcasm.

♫ 우산 feat. 윤하 - 에픽하이
translation:
umbrella feat. younha - epik high.

i highly recommend that song to listen to, for it sends waves of depression coursing in your bloodstream, but it makes you think about the delusional ideas that you've locked up for a long time.

it did for me.




i need to buy that album.

eulogy - hgih praise in speech or writing

Occupation: Student
Current Mood: Stuffed.
Current Thoughts:

i am currently whirling down a spiral of emotions. mixed emotions? i dont know. tears were shed yesterday at my expense and i felt like alice of wonderland. a giant girl pouring out her thoughts to no one, just to a pale blue wall. and also, the conflicts of being the middle child added the salt to my wound, a stinging sensation.

life is bleak at the moment. i happened to notice that today when a senior kid got rejected to prom by a sophomore girl. maybe thats foreshadowing something, maybe not. i dont care now.

now adding to the bleak life are cruel, pathetic, and a lame crock of shit.

dried flower scents permeate the world, their crackling petals fluttering in the dry wind. the sun shines hotly onto the earth below and all of its inhabitants. maybe someday everything will be in reverse order. the guys go through the pain of liking the opposite sex and mother nature visits monthly with her gifts of womanhood. like i said, maybe, maybe not.

everyone thinks that they can control me. this one girl thinks that she can do any shit that she wants to me by taking away whats she's "doing" for me. oh god no. and then she gives me that look, that fucking sneer that i want to bitchslap off her fucking face. how she rolls her eyes at whatever i say.

maybe i'll set her straight.

maybe, maybe not. but there's a big possibility that i will.

you'd best keep your wits with you.

When you're young, everything seems like the end of the world. But it's not, it's just the beginning.

We live a small world. Society continues to intertwining our paths together, and some paths are completely different from our own comfortable zone. Thus causing us to flop around like awkward fishes out of the water, dying for a familiar face, a familiar characteristic to set us straight.

Ignorance's bliss is a bliss --- of short time.

Sigh

Korea lost to Japan. Heh, whatever. We whooped their butts during Olympics AND there's World Cup next year!

Let the games begin.

Recently, I've realized that I'm doing all this crap for a GUY. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. I have to stop doing this. I need to pause this and quit this facade I'm putting on just for him. This tells me about my character so much, and I don't like what I'm seeing in myself and my actions. To think that I've been doing this for the past three months, four months? Wow. And I feel that this is all going to waste. I need to start afresh, a whole new leaf.

I need to start living my life.

I lost my voice

last night during karaoke. It was so fun seriously. None of us got raped, thankfully.

I like it when my voice is gone. I become Yoobin from WG. (=

The feeling of summer has arrived.

Anyone want to go to sixflags with me?

A boat beneath a sunny sky

Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July--

Children three that nestle near,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Pleased a simple tale to hear--

Long has paled that sunny sky:
Echoes fade and memories die.
Autumn frosts have slain July.

Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.

Children yet, the tale to hear,
Eager eye and willing ear,
Lovingly shall nestle near.

In a Wonderland they lie,
Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die:

Ever drifting down the stream--
Lingering in the golden gleam--
Life, what is it but a dream?

This made me think. It also brought back waves of childhood memories, basking in the golden hot sun of the afternoons. The great expectations of everyone to anyone. We all are easily influenced by the crowd of people we associate with and especially society. You are disapproved when you step out of the line by trying to live the life, and whispers of peculiar or even queer rotate around the community that you live in. Yet, they tell you to act different. It's a complicated world that they live in. We know that this will happen, and yet we continue on taking these actions.

Life, what is it but a dream?

Observations

I noticed that TOP from Big Bang "kissed" every guy except for Taeyang. On Big Bang Virus was Seungri, Coffee Bangs Five was GDragon, and Big Bang Over Flowers was Daesung.

You're next Taeyang.

The feelings of jealousy comes along with a package of depression. I noticed that during lunch today. I have a habit of rinsing my hands with cold water whenever depression hits me like a rock, so I had many trips to the girl's bathroom. By the time the bell rang for fifth period, my hands were undergoing the process of osmosis. Or something like that.

Pathetic, right?

Imitation

is the best form of flattery says Charles Caleb Colton.

When you become angry, the colors of the world elapse into black and red, and all that you see are what causes your anger to flare even higher.

Sometimes you want to cry. Sometimes you want to yell.

Or sometimes you want to kill someone.

I believe that we all were in these situations once in our lifetime. ... Well, I was. These days, I'm becoming more of a bitch and I don't know why. My period started and ended, and I've yet to become calm. I think that there's something wrong with my mind.

On Saturday, I was watching NigaHiga on YouTube.

He's hilarious. (:

Yep.

Iron Chef America is fun. I like watching it.

I'm gonna go watch Confessions of a Shopaholic later.

My best friend's cousin's in that movie.

Yep.

Really.

I tried to bake bread, but since there was not much flour, I mixed the all-purpose flour with this korean flour. The results were not good.

Instead of a fluffy content, I got this thick, gel-like insides.

What a waste of oven heat.

I'm gonna to buy some flour and bread. So I can eat my toast with jam.

Yep.

My toes are frozen.

I like the post on C'EST LA VIE. Her thoughts on the world today affected my opinions. It's deep.

My sister can be so smart sometimes.

Shit why is the window open? Why my toes are frozen, that is the answer. Eh.

I think that you should go buy Eternal Morning; Soundtrack to a Lost Film. A collaboration between Tablo and Pe2ny, it's one of the best 20$ I spent. The CD's very smooth.

Yep.

To mama;

happy late birthday. Or belated(?) birthday.

I am never going to take naps where I can't fall asleep. -_- I bet you that I'm gonna fall asleep in bio, geometry, and cwa. Oh crap.

There's this guy that I've got my eye on. He's veeeery goodlooking too. Like seriously. Okay I'm gonna stop talking about him now.

My thrid time revising this post. Oh damn, why am I curse with ocd? Aish.

I'm gonna try falling asleep now.

Bye.

I think that

I'm those types of people who don't like change but when something appeals to them, they go all out. Y'know what I'm saying?

If you don't, then blah.

My madre bought a cake from Olive Bakery from Koreatown Plaza. I didn't know that they continued to create these old school cakes. The ones with pretty frosting decorations and frosting roses. This cake brought back good memories.

So I went dress-shopping yesterday. God, my mom pissed me off. We went to XXI, and I bought this real cute dress, heh. But the zpper won't close all the way. You can call me fat. I got depressed so I ate ramun and a slice of the cake.

Oh well.

Ohmycrap, I'm watching Hwang Jinyi. The drama is so freaking good. Well, I'm only on episode four, BUT ITS SOSOSO FUN. My love, Jang Geun Suk, plays as Kim Eunho in that drama. He's veryveryvery goodlooking. (: BUT HE DIES IN EPISODE 9. Freaking Ha Jiwon dumped him AFTER he stayed in the rain for her all night long. Well, she stayed in the rain too, but she dumped him. DSFHKASDHFOAUDH And then he dies. Damn.

Anyways, I'm gonna go now. Kthnxbye.

To me.

Happy birthday to me.


Go figure.